You can call it an identity crisis, an existential crisis, the shadow work phase, or the individuation process—whatever resonates with you. Many have gone through it, and many will. My writing is for you.
This is the painful part of the journey. Even when you’re surrounded by people, you feel utterly alone. And in truth, that loneliness is a blessing. Because in this phase, you don’t have to hold back. You can go as deep as possible. That doesn’t mean letting the darkness consume you—it means allowing yourself to face it.
This phase can last a long time, but here’s the good news: it’s up to you. At some point, you will have a choice.
The Blessing of Being Alone
I remember when I was deep in turmoil. I got a call—”My son is arriving home.” I started crying for the 20th time that day… or was it the 120th?
I know cannot rush this process. It was difficult to hide what I’m in and it added an extra pressor, also an indicator. It’s up to you how long it takes, but if you don’t recognize what you’re in, you can stay stuck in depression for days, weeks, or months. It can be terrifying because you don’t recognize yourself. Then, you’ll face your deepest fears: -That you’ll never get what you truly want in life (and I don’t mean material things). -That you’ll never be enough. -That you’ll never be healed enough.
All the lies you’ve been telling yourself will surface at once. You’ll be forced to confront your behaviors and your identity. Maybe you’ve always wanted to be a leader, to build respect for yourself, but no matter how hard you tried, all you got was a slammed door in your face. People looked right through you, as if you weren’t even there.
All these events, all this pain, will rise to the surface at once. You tried to be a queen, but deep down, without realizing it, you believed you were a peasant. And energy doesn’t lie—not to yourself and not to the world.
In the turmoil of your deepest pain and realizations, you have to be there for yourself.
How to Navigate the Dark Night
Start writing your thoughts and fears down. Why? Because it will help you see clearly instead of staying stuck. Maybe writing isn’t your thing—then talk to yourself in the mirror, draw, or walk. The point is to organize your thoughts and truly listen to what they are telling you. They are gems.
But one of the most important things is: Do NOT buy into these thoughts.
Under no circumstances should you believe them right now. Your job is to become conscious of them, to observe them—not to believe them. Tell yourself, I love you. You’ve got this. Repeat it over and over again.
Go as deep as you can. I promise you—it’ll be over sooner than you think. Everything always changes. That’s a universal law. This state you’re in will change too. You cannot skip this phase, and the more you try to run from it, the deeper you’ll go.
Remember those holes in the ground that, when you step in them, you sink? And the more you fight, the deeper you go? This is exactly like that.
Try this: Stop. Put your phone down. Turn off your music. Listen.
It’s quiet. It’s peaceful. Your soul is at peace—it’s only your mind that isn’t. The pain is very real, but for just a second, try to feel the peace.
Don’t worry if you can’t hold onto it for long. Meditation and quieting your mind won’t work for the long term in this phase. But that one second of peace will anchor you.
You are in this state for a reason. And that reason is to give birth to a new you—by killing the dragon.
This is a soft, empathetic kill. Think of the way indigenous African and Native American cultures approach mercy. When they find a wounded animal that won’t survive, they pick up their dagger, say a prayer for its life, cry with it, and then release it from suffering.
That is the most compassionate thing to do at that moment. Then, they pray again and ask for blessings.
What NOT to Do During the Dark Night of the Soul
- Believe your negative thoughts.
- Beat yourself up.
- Deny the phase you are in.
- Fear your thoughts.
- Judge yourself.
How to Help Yourself
Find what works for you from the following:
- Exercise, walk, dance, talk out loud—anything that clears your head.
- Do NOT distract yourself—at least not yet. First, face what’s happening.
- Ask yourself: Why am I in this state? Because I promise you, there is a reason. It is not a punishment—it is here to serve you.
Be courageous and dive in. Face it.
What are you most afraid of? That love will never find you? That you’ll never have enough money? That people will never accept you?
Who do you believe you are at your core? What do you believe about the world, about yourself? Do you think you are a victim? Dive even deeper. Do whatever you need to do to accept your deep self. Feel all the emotions—you are at your core. Keep repeating to yourself: I love you.
You Have to Save Yourself
Your guides and spiritual leaders are always with you, but in this moment, you likely won’t hear them through the noise of your thoughts. That’s one of the hardest things about this phase—realizing that for now, you are on your own.
When you have been brave enough and did the work—to uncover the limiting beliefs and thoughts— then you can rest.
That is the time to distract yourself. Because if you don’t, your mind will get stuck in a loop.
Trust me, I know. I remember pushing myself too hard, convinced that I had to catch every belief, every thought. But all I was doing was repeating and recreating them. That’s how you get stuck in depression.
Then, I realized: I already saw what I needed to see.
I told myself, I love you, and I’ve got this. And that was enough.
Did I believe it? Absolutely not. My old self fought hard to convince me there was no way out. That’s what negative beliefs do—they try to make you believe there’s no way out. I’s important to get familiar how they are operate. Catch yourself.
Remember what I said at the beginning? Under no circumstances can you believe the thoughts you have during this time.
And stop repeating the same story in your head. Once you’ve done your inner detective work, it’s time to step out of your own way.
Distract yourself. Watch a funny or heartwarming movie. Read a book that makes you laugh. Run outside in the rain. Do whatever works for you—and don’t be ashamed of it.
You’ve got this.
Love,
Kitti
